There’s something in the air that’s taking me back to the sex of my adolescence. No, I’m not revisiting a time of innocence and discovery, but a time without shame. The first thing I had to do as a teenager, was to lose the part of my shell which kept me back from loving and accepting myself.
But losing that shell carries the rise of being exposed to nasty people.
Something happened, though. Some monumental shift of cogs and gears within me let it all click: internal validation is the name of the game and pleasing my own tastes is the aim. Now, by this I hardly mean orgasm or various ways to reach one. I do mean selecting my partners in sex and love and friendship with much greater care.
I’ve had partners who were distant. I’ve had partners who didn’t care. I’ve had partners who cared too much, and I’ve had partners who cared to the psycho point of manipulating me into submission.
Now this thing that’s happened has shattered all the silliness, all the shell and safeguards I’d put in place and left a naked truth or 2.
First off, and most obviously: I’m fine, and what I want to do is fine.
Secondly, I don’t like being grabbed by sweaty guys with one hand on their cock and nothing to say for themselves about it. I’m attracted to people who have some understanding of the world past “food/fuck”.
Fact 3: In the past I’ve tended to go for people who’s intellect beckoned me onto new paths, but I’ve since found that they aren’t what I need. Sure, they are very pretty in conversation and they have (usually) good spelling and grammar, but they simulate intelligence and inquisitiveness through competition and domination. If you question them, then you’ll be quoted out of the water before you can pick up a reference book.
Fact 4: There are some smells I really like. Skin, light sweat, motor oil, the salty lake at Swansea, ginger and roasting lamb.
Fact 5: I like engines. Eh, what can ya do?
Fact 6: Some people use honesty as a way to manipulate and hurt. They do the wrong thing with eye wide open, and then confess to their partner, who can only suffer and offer absolution or create drama by resisting. I’m not into that kind of honesty.
Fact 7: Honesty in itself isn’t a bad thing, but I flinch when I hear people tell me that its important in a partner / friend. I’d rather be lied to than routinely stuck like a voodoo doll.
Fact 9: (Many of these aren’t facts precisely) Its not that I don’t like men, I just don’t like lots of things that many of them do. To me. To the ladies I love. To themselves. Urgh.
Fact 10: The most degrading sexual act I can think of is sex without consent. I won’t allow it to happen in any form in my world. That’s not to say that I’ve been raped, but it is to say that I have seen some behavior recently that’s made me question how some people obtain consent, and I am not happy.
Fact 10b: (I’m really not into the idea of shit in a sexual context though – just me!)
Fact 11: It’s OK to routinely fall in love with people, things and the world. All that love comes back. I’d rather make love and fun with friends than have undramatic sex with the same partner for the rest of my life.
Fact 12: I’d rather have sex with a polite stranger than a violent lover. I’d rather have sex with a violent lover than a manipulative partner. I’d rather have sex with no-one than with a bland partner. I’d rather have sex with a bland partner than a sleazy moron. I’d rather make love with friends than most of the above.
Fact 13: I’m not going to make you complete, and I’m not going to wait for you to make me complete.
Fact 14: I don’t mind waiting sometimes. But not too often. And not for nothing.
Fact 15: I’m not jealous. Not anymore.
