Anna’s Adventures

Ok, I’ve been going mental. I’ve known that I’ve been going mental. Here’s how I know:

• Some weeks ago, i stopped eating good food. I stopped cooking, and stopped having breakfast, I stopped eating lunch at work, I would come home and snack on a frozen yoplait. The big indicator is when I made myself some gluten-free pasta (a failsafe favourite) and just couldn’t eat more than a mouthful. When I did eat, the only things I could get through were ice cream and flavoured milk. I also started to totally ignore my gluten free diet.
• Drinking. Along with ignoring my GF diet, I’ve been ignoring the “no drinking” rule. Its OK when I can stop at one glass, its OK when I am not high, but when I am high, I just knock it back like water. This has only been for the last 2 weeks.
• I can also drink 4 cups of coffee and not feel its effect on me. Normally, I can feel one cup.
• Not sleeping much, but still being able to function. I’ve been staying up until 3am most nights reading, but then still getting up at 7am. The thing is though, that I don’t get up at 7 and wash or eat breakfast or get to work early. I just get up and start reading again.
• Showering less. Bleagh. I do it at the gym, though.
• I decided to get another tattoo as soon as possible. I don’t know what, I just want another tattoo. Luckily I’m not organised enough to act on this impulse.
• There’s this booy at work that I’m starting to like. There’s this friend of my boyfriend that I was flirting heavily with. There’s this friend of my that I slept with the other night. I’m compulsively having sex.
•  Buying things on impulse. For my birthday I got some money. I decided to save for 2 extra weeks and buy a new laptop (and give my old one to mum). But on my birthday weekend, I bought a new wireframe wardrobe. Now, I needed it, and its a very good one, but it was totally on impulse and against my plan for the money.

I can see myself doing all of these things, but I just can’t seem to stop myself. I’m running, running, running. My legs are shaking because I want to move, move, move. Now, I need to get back on my seroquel (the doctor said I should come off it, but now I’m thinking this is a mistake).

I’m back on the pills, back on the serotonin. I got a script for zoloft from the doctor, and finally got back onto the sanity-masters.

I think I’m heading for a high, though. In a GOOD way.

I’m falling in love at the drop of a hat. Getting excitable all the time.  I joined the gym, and I really feel lovely about it.

Woo!

Several days without sertraline (aka Zoloft). My last one was the 26th December. At first, I didn’t notice any changes and started to think I’d be OK without it for a while longer.  The reason I am going without is that I ran out of pills and my pdoc is away right now. I don’t know HOW I ran out of pills. I have so many prescriptions for zoloft that it isn’t really funny. But I manage to loose them all. I found one at the beginning of the month, but it turned out to be the last repeat.

I have noticed a few things since being off the zoloft

• My sleeping patterns are awful. I can’t sleep at night, and I can’t get up in the morning
• I fight with everyone. Every little thing upsets me.
• The Seroquel puts me straight to sleep, and its hard to stay awake at work without drinking a litre of coffee (exacerbating the first point)
• My mind wanders a lot
• I find myself acting without any regard for known consequences of my actions and without reserve even though I recognise them
• My dreams are getting more real, and my reality is getting more dream like

Mood changes.

I’m sleeping when I should be awake, and I am awake when I should be asleep. All I want to do it watch tv and stare at the wall. I want to press my head and make the thoughts come out.

I’m going to increase my dose of zoloft. My brain needs serotonin.

I want to collapse. I have collapsed.

Come and get me.

Maybe I’m just tired. Tired from fighting. Tired of doing the right thing. Tired of caring who sees me do it, or not do it.