Anna’s Adventures

Don’t be too over zealous in following up something lovely… down time is needed too

Forever is a long, long time. I really don’t need to rush things, do I? Though at the same time, I really do need to keep focused on what is happening to me right here, right now. I need to keep having fun. I need to stay in love. I need to be with sweet people.

I don’t want the yoke. Fuck it. I kick the fucking thing.

I’m happy, I’m satisfied, and I don’t have a promise of love eternal, or monogamy, or even friendship. But I also am not being strung out with the promise that I might get these things if I behave.

I currently have friendship and I’m so happy. There ain’t no restraints on me today.

I get to pursue what I wants. The view of the future is so sweet coz its my future. Not “ours”, not “yours”, mine.

I’m really really nervous about tonight, about this weekend and about my immediate future. A big part of me wants again to feel the yoke on my neck, but I need to struggle against that longing for comfort with my conscious mind.

• Can be wrong
• Can be right but doesn’t have to be
• Knows when to stop arguing and just get things done
• Knows that this point is different to each of us
• Likes a good argument and knows that it doesn’t have to be serious
• Able to have a conversation
• Clever, not doesn’t have to be formally educated (but its ok if they are)
• Thinks for themselves
• Inquisitive and curious
• Takes care of their body but enjoys their body and isn’t a member of the body police or really uptight about body image
• Sexy, very sexy, but not meaning short skirts and sleaze
• Leaves room for me
• Cares for me
• Thinks of me as I think of them
• Loves me
• Lets me be me. Loves me because I am me, not because of what I could be, or what I can do for them or because of their ideal-Anna.
• Brave
• Allows change to happen
• Can be a partner in adventure, not just a focus of my time and energy
• Doesn’t play tit for tat or exploit my weaknesses to get my attention
• Gives massages, all the time like crazy
• Likes me to be in control
• Likes to be in control
• Realises that the above 2 aren’t mutually exclusive
• Someone who cares enough to reach out to me sometimes
• Someone who is kind and not cruel

I need to talk now about my extrordinary birthday weekend.

It started with a celebratory mood at work as my birthday co-incided with the Easter holidays (4 days off!) and MONTH OF HELLISH CRAP beginning to taper off. We had a birthday lunch at a nice Indian restaurant on Thursday. W00t! I also bought myself a jasmine-scented solid shampoo from Lush to use at the gym.

Then on Friday, I did SFA all day long. So good. I stayed with Kal, and we hugged tight all night long despite the heat.

On Saturday, I woke up refreshed and we went out sailing! It was so nice, and fucking scary when the boat first lifted one side in the air. But after a while, I swapped from the tiller to trimming the mainsail, which gave me a greater sense of control and safety.

Afterwards, Kal and I had a bit of a fight, which was unfortunate. I think in large part it was lots of moon-related emotions and also about me coming into his space (sailing) which has always been a site of tension for us. So I’m happy that he loves it, and that he’ll invite me sometimes.

I went off after that to meet my family for coffee and dinner.

The next day was Sunday, and the official celebration began in earnest. DylanJ and Reuben picked me up in the gold Rolls Royce and I got THE FRONT SEAT. Wow. That’s love.

JR and HalfwayDecent trekked from Newcaslte to attend, which was brilliant. They gave me pink champers, a green pendant and STRIPEY SOCKS!

BB and JLo came and gave me a lovely scarf.

But the special present came from Nicky… (you don’t always get a present, but when you do, its a doozy). She couldn’t make it, but asked JR to carry along some photos she found of the fams when I was a bubby. There’s mum, and me, and little DJ in the tummy.

I admit I had a little cry when I saw them. They were uncovered on an undeveloped roll. These pics come at an interesting time for me because I was talking a lot to my psychologist about my parents and their troubled relationship. It was lovely to see photos of happiness and carefree times. I also noticed for the first time how much I look like my mum.

Dad called, and Gran called, and it was nice. They’re both sending cash… and I’m going to put it with my cash to buy a new ‘puter. Yummy.

On Monday night, Mum made chicken and chips - her signature dishes and we all ate till stuffed. Because Nicky couldn’t come, we made chip butties in rememberance of her (a bit like jesus would’ve wanted) but with chips and butter instead of wine.

On Tuesday, DylanJ and I went and vage VirginMobile the flick-o and got onto Vodafone and got new phones.

So here I am, a birthday week or so, and I’m happy as a pig in shit. Its been the best birthday since the one where I got a green cake when I was 2. The best bit is that I’m happy, I’ve got family and I love them. They love me. We get along. Its fucking awesome.

I still feel the rocking of the boat. A gentle lapping of the horizon of my eyes against the sudden shunts into the air felt when I trimmed the mains’il to fill it, then luffing it busting us back down.

Arrrrch, what did I miss at Mardi Gras Queer Nerds Float?

In therapy this week, we talked a lot about recognition. Its been difficult for me in my life to find recognition, to find peers, to find people who understand me and accept me.

Classic clever-child syndrome, perhaps.

Then tonight I was talking to someone else, with whom I feel a certain affinity and realized that I get a tremendous amount of recognition from Kal. He and I see eye to eye on many things. We see one another (often with painful consequences, often with delightful consequences). The first long conversation I ever had with Kate was a moment of recognition. Both Gifted children, we had lots of history in common. Thinking now, I probably held on to Souvarine and his fams so long because of that same sense of belonging and recognition.

Am I letting myself be abused unnecessarily for the sake of recognition? Currently, I think no. But I will look out for it in future.

I went ice skating last night! Of course I fell on my patella. <pout>. I did also manage to stand upright and skate along at several points. Yay! If you like the hot hot hot look of a terrified rabbit in a spotlight, then Anna skating was “Sex on Ice”.

I didn’t manage to make it to my mad picnic, though.

I spent most of Saturday in the sun painting a tall stool (no, not a poo as my mum understood). I’m transforming it from black vinyl to purple seat and yellow legs to match the interior of my apartment. The painting made me feel all lovely and creative. Its a feeling that I’ve missed.

Marley absented herself from my life for 24 hours over the weekend. I finally found her playing “jungle girl” in a special hiding spot in the neighbor’s grass. She pounced on me, raaaaar!

Today at Sydney uni, I thought I saw a thinner, sportier, happier version of Souvarine. Fucking freaky. He walked past me, and I almost turned an followed him. Am I losing it, or what?