Anna’s Adventures

Arrrrrgh! Now after all that time - 3 weeks of excitement and flirting and loving and being radiantly floating, I’m down to earth and seriously afraid of the yoke again. Or maybe I’m just bored and look around, and its the only thing in the corner of my room.

Solution: I need to get out more.

Don’t be too over zealous in following up something lovely… down time is needed too

This is what I heard this morning. “You think you can do anything you like because you are a woman and you are weak”. A pithy summary of the state of play between Kal and I. He can do what he wants because I am staying at his house, and he thinks I can do what I want without repercussion because he won’t hurt a woman.

None of it is true.

Ok, so this mate of mine is trying to contact me… and for some reason I don’t want him to. Its really not fair or reasonable. I will get into  contact, and override this feeling of repulsion, this feeling of wanting to let everyone just slip away from me.

But this is how it happens.

I told Kate that I wanted to make friends. She said “you’ve got friends”. Well, of course I do. But I don’t feel that. I don’t really take it seriously. I don’t really take it without suspicion, without strings.

And that’s how I end up without a support network. Because I either push everyone away, or I just can’t think to ask or who to ask when I really need it. I treat my friends and family like the easter bunny: I believe in them as an indulgence that can’t withstand the assault of reason.

I’ve always got by on the minimum support network possible. But now, its becoming less and less viable.

I’ve been reading this book, Bipolar and Pregnant, by Kristin Finn. She lives in a stable middle class marriage where she doesn’t need to work (her husband earns enough for both). Her mother was a nurse. She goes to church and reads the bible. She has a routine. She’s been diagnosed and medicated since her teens. Her family and doctors constantly watch her for any signs of “hypomanic excess”, and confront her accordingly. She takes their advice.

Kristin Finn is so far from me.

I don’t have a support network like that. I don’t have all these cultural markers on what is “normal” behavior.

— correction —

Its not that I don’t have people around me who care. Its that I always push them away. Its not that there aren’t people who will give me good advice, its that I don’t take it.

As I’ve said over and over, my family have always been there for me, even when I’m a bitch.

What Kristin Finn has that I don’t is culture: the bible doesn’t tell me when to be good.

I’m scanning RW’s blog for clues as to what I’m doing wrong… and can find none. Other than that she no longer lists me as a friend. No biggie. Probably not significant. Right?

I’m sure I’ve done something, but she’s not talking. I’m not guessing. Thus we find ourselves at an impasse. A polite impasse, but an impasse nonetheless.

What are my priorities?

• Saving $
• Art
• Love
• Sanity
• NewQ

And it is this:

When something needs to give, when there needs to be a cut in favor of time spent here or time spent there, I choose to spend it where it is demanded, not where I reap the greatest rewards.

I need to cut this habit, before it destroys my life.

(10:32:01) mr.rocks@jabber.org:
I am insecure about your last blog post.
(10:32:13) anna@jabber.org/Home:
Ok
(10:32:14) mr.rocks@jabber.org:
Can you tell me to what were you referring to?
(10:38:1 anna@jabber.org/Home:
We had the burnout workshop last night
(10:39:47) anna@jabber.org/Home:
And I was thinking about where I spend my time, and how I always spend time doing stuff that isn’t really in my interest. But that I get some other kind of payoff because I get to be a carer or a leader or fulfill some other role.
(10:39:59) anna@jabber.org/Home:
But that isn’t actually about ME.
(10:40:08) anna@jabber.org/Home:
Its not exciting and lovely for ME.

Yesterday, someone told me that the worst thing about cold and flu meds is that they stop you listening to your body.

Right on with that.

So to bed I ran, followed by ginger tea and coconut water. Calm reading and a sense of peace, love and happiness.

Fuck yeah.

When you get hurt by someone you love, are you over-reacting?