Its been a while

So things have been churning within me for a little while and I haven’t had much time or energy to post blog entries. A large part of my brain just wants to watch House and Oz, and vege out heavily while the other parts of my brain process what they have to.

Now, like Deep Thought, I finally have an answer. The meaning to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything is: “do what is good for me”. Not just what will be good for me. Not what I can tolerate. Not what I will put up with in order to be happy in the future, or preserve a romantic ideal.

Do what is good for me. And all it implies. Goodness. Timeliness. Me-ness.

With this in mind, I am trying to find my own place to live for a year. I need space and boundaries. I need to be able to tell myself when to come and go, when I need to eat, sleep, work and be entertained. I need to recognise when I need friends, and to seek them out accordingly. I need to be without material restraint on my emotional life and vice versa.

Something that I saw on facebook today and liked was that my tarot of the day is Queen of Swords:

Queen of Swords

The Queen of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in advocation. I have been there, done that and can be trusted to judge, perceive or tell it like it is. I own my authority and honor my authentic nature and wisdom but use my sharp wit responsibly and accept that not everyone will “warm up to me.” I have a sleek, keen but detached sense for quality, classic style and truth and my reputation for communicating or protecting justice, the greater good or serving as a pioneer is well-deserved. I am empowered to endure by obligation to my code and my virtue is order.

I am feeling very virtuous and orderly. My psychologist and I (mostly I) are looking at why I feel like caring-for; why I get myself into caring-for relationships, when I do actually want something mutual (or nothing at all).

So I have worked out some things that happen to me, and how some of them are related to bipolar. How going off the rails at formative times has lead me to overcompensate by being too committed to failing projects now. How going off the rails has lead me to not trust my own judgement as I should, and instead, relying on other people’s input way too much (even when these people stand to gain from me making bad choices).

So its back to being a little bit more selfish, and a little less gullible. And (shock horror), trusting myself. As a new acquaintance recently taught me: when everyone else is gone, you’re still in a relationship with yourself.