Ack alack!

Dreams

Poems are coming to me in my dreams, but I forget them when I wake up!

Who is Anna, anyway?

My mental healthiness hasn’t been better for a long time. I figured out that I’m doing a lot of things because I should, and that’s really untenable.

I was talking yesterday to a fellow ex-”gifted and talented” child about parents, society and expectations. Turns out we had rather similar experiences… For one thing, having the pleasing aspects of yourself praised unconditionally, and the less-pleasing aspects of yourself just ignored, or separated out. So being fractured because you’re too clever, too lonely, too needy, too desperate for peers, too wonderful and too terrible at the same time. Kids your own age can’t understand you. You get along with older kids until they get their own lives. Adults just go “what the fuck?!” and are condescendingly interested in you as a triviality, or are outright hostile.

Ack, such was life! Its kinda no wonder that I twisted myself into knots trying to “be good”, go stable and most of all finish things. Even when those things were very, very, very bad for me. But my best intentions aren’t enough, and I’m happy to realise that now. Maybe a new formula will be - “does it please me?”, then “is it good for me?”, then “does it please my family and close friends?” instead of “is this the right thing to do?”.

Audioslutting

Kal has introduced me to lastfm and audioscrobbler… Audioscrobbler sends your recently played tracks to lastfm, where you can navigate around to similar tracks, things other people who liked what you liked liked. Its fun. The radio “play songs from bands like this band I like” is a very fun way to burn bandwidth and find music that you may’ve missed due to, gee, I dunno, having a life instead of spending every waking second at redeye records.

Yay! Music that I like and didn’t have to pay $30 to discover!!